Sunday, November 09, 2008

A Brief Guide to Infuriating Personality Types

A Brief Guide to Infuriating Personality Types, Modern Edition, 3rd Revision

(NOTE: Previous personality guides have focused on codification of all human beings, leading to skepticism and often rejection of the personality color-coding system as a whole. I feel that this problem can be solved by focusing only on personality attributes that deserve scorn and contempt. Every human being possesses some level of dysfunctionality, so identifying dangerous or shortsighted behavior may be one of the first steps to a cure. Despite similarities with other models, the following represents only my opinions and may not map onto the real world in any significant way):

We start with a relatively pleasant personality type and move on to the bad ones:

Blue Non-confrontational and good for friendship. Though they may appear introverted, Blues are observant and emotional people. Blues don't treat other people like enormous prats, ergo they are generally seen as weak and unambitious. A Blue is not generally prone to attaching him/herself to new ideas, causes or organizations unless he/she sees a particular reason to do so, so they are often in passive-aggressive conflict with the next personality type:

Red A natural leader. Aggressive and shortsighted, very talented at deflecting blame. The Red's confidence and insistence upon following an irrational personal code creates the illusion of competence and inevitably leads to social capital and success. Reds get itchy and discontent if they aren't drafting a plan or a system for something, for which they inevitably create a slogan and a banner. If a Red doesn't remember something, it didn't happen.

Grey A dead-eyed, reactionary individual. The color "Grey" represents a diversifying of the pejorative "White Trash", as ignorance and anger know no racial or geographical bounds. A Grey's world is very small and is experienced very passively, so Greys inevitably expand their world by attaching themselves to rash causes and opinions. Greys can often be found in supermarkets yelling at their children for trifles, determined to perpetuate their anger and ignorance onto the rising generation through vindictive punishment and irrational behavior. Greys are fond of ascribing ulterior motives to anybody different than themselves, leading to hatred of (among other things) immigrants, entire political parties and anybody who reads books. Greys are incapable of thinking without attaching labels to each and every person and idea they encounter. A Grey/Red is one of the most dangerous human beings on the planet Earth.

For information on the "other" personality types (green, atomic tangerine, chartreuse and russet, the really bad one), send a SASE to the Foundation For a Better Life. They'll hook you up.

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