According to thislondon.co, malls have ordered mall Santas to slim down or be refused this Christmas season. Health groups say the saint is setting a bad "example" for children.
Let's do something these groups have apparently forgotten and take a look at the HISTORICAL RECORD on this one. Changing the mall Santas won't change the reality that St. Nick is a bit of a butterball. And no matter how greasy and oily his innards may be or how gridlocked his arteries, by golly he accomplishes his duties. It's not for lack of exercise - Santa's nighttime giving spree once a year, even when averaged over the rest of the year, is formidable.
They'll have to change certain offending passages from Clemente Clark Moore's classic poem. Allow me to have a go:
"He had a tight face, was trim and was tall
Belly shook when he laughed? Not at all! Not at all!
He was threadlike and trim, a jolly old elf
And I thought I could use a few pushups, myself!
From a moment's joy spent with this giver so thin
I had a desire to go hit the gym!"
Seriously - SANTA CLAUS IS FAT. OBESE. POSITIVELY ELEPHANTINE. YOUR WELL-MEANING EDICT DOES NOT CHANGE ESTABLISHED HISTORY.
He's already fat. Let's not go and drive him to drink by misrepresenting his character. Giamatti has the facial expression down pat.
3 hours ago